this place is my favourite
it looks like angels grow here
and they do
they have that arching quality that makes this wild life so appealing
like the curves and contours of the body...
little fields of heaven.
i dont want to go anywhere today
I woke up feeling like something bad had happened while I was asleep.
Maybe a dream is making me feel like this, but either way I don't want to go anywhere today.
I hope it was just a dream.
We're meeting for a practise in half an hour, my hair is okay but I cant wear these sweat pants on stage... Or could I, would my friends think I'd lost it, or was just taking a new direction in expressing my self...
Maybe a dream is making me feel like this, but either way I don't want to go anywhere today.
I hope it was just a dream.
We're meeting for a practise in half an hour, my hair is okay but I cant wear these sweat pants on stage... Or could I, would my friends think I'd lost it, or was just taking a new direction in expressing my self...
155 sleeps until July
its 4 in the morning, almost 5, i read to induce sleep, that didn't work...
i could read forever tonight but belly hurts, I'll just lie here and moan, listen to the laptops drone, or call my best friend on the telephone........
before this tonight when other people were still awake, we watched a Miranda July film, this lady is brilliant, shes everywhere, in film, literature, art and as I discovered earlier, music - though I think it links in more with performance art, who cares about categories anyway.
good day, I'm off to somewhere and I cant guarantee it will be sleep.
i could read forever tonight but belly hurts, I'll just lie here and moan, listen to the laptops drone, or call my best friend on the telephone........
before this tonight when other people were still awake, we watched a Miranda July film, this lady is brilliant, shes everywhere, in film, literature, art and as I discovered earlier, music - though I think it links in more with performance art, who cares about categories anyway.
good day, I'm off to somewhere and I cant guarantee it will be sleep.
a whole day
With nearly no stutters, I thread that poem out like a brand new pair of shoes. yikes I think is the word. very tired, we were going to go dancing but the queue to dance was silly so we decided to sleep instead, I'm going to watch the rest of eagle vs shark then sleep. All though it took us ages to set up, a few hic-ups with the sound and a properly bad joke, but you know I think they liked it. It feels good to be making other people happy with music, its my goal to help people, I hope our music does this. Nos Da from Whales.
p.s.plus; I had the most brilliant feeling earlier when we were practicing, my smile was so wide that my jaw hurt, I kid you not. placebo effect.. ? either way it was a special moment.
p.s.plus; I had the most brilliant feeling earlier when we were practicing, my smile was so wide that my jaw hurt, I kid you not. placebo effect.. ? either way it was a special moment.
One for the team
With brilliant advice from others, It seems sensible to try something new.
Live music tonight, opening with my new song, it sounds so complete with the aid of the band, if it wern't for them I'd still be singing Amy Winehouse on Singstar in my sisters living room (I still do this).. reading a poem about my aunty over an instrumental, which I really like the thought of, I just need to do it. It will be fine.
Have a nice day, today will be nice.
Live music tonight, opening with my new song, it sounds so complete with the aid of the band, if it wern't for them I'd still be singing Amy Winehouse on Singstar in my sisters living room (I still do this).. reading a poem about my aunty over an instrumental, which I really like the thought of, I just need to do it. It will be fine.
Have a nice day, today will be nice.
blop
Please in no way take anything I have written as advice, it is not.
I've written this preliminary introduction to this post because I haven't really done so before, I've never really explained anything written here, mainly because it takes too long.
My reason for blogging is to share with others, stimulate my mind and as I say below, for working out how I feel.
I've written this preliminary introduction to this post because I haven't really done so before, I've never really explained anything written here, mainly because it takes too long.
My reason for blogging is to share with others, stimulate my mind and as I say below, for working out how I feel.
It took me a little while to decide whether or not to post this.
This blog tends not to have a strict type of content. It is, was it is, and that's... it.
The reason I have chosen to is because, I know that I am not the only one that has difficulty figuring out this thing called life, and all those things that go with it, mental health, relationships... people.
I write down my thoughts here to aid working out how I feel, sometimes this can make me realise things I wasn't aware of in my head. You could liken it to writing out equations on paper (I don't think many people like to write them on the front of their imagination).
I'm sitting on the floor in my attic room, wrapped in covers and a blanket for comfort, drawing what look like the worst toes.
My friend made me two Cd's yesterday, they're lovely, the second I'm listening to now, has two full albums on it I'm told.
Yesterday was brilliant, I made my self a list for today, plenty of mental notes were written too.
I got a new book in the post too, all was well in my world, my friend had shared a beautiful piece of philosophical text which talked about the levels of a river being like life, and ended something like 'you can choose to be a coward and avoid the depths, or you can join in the ride' - don't take my word for it, should probably find the original.
Well this is seeming all is wrong. All is not wrong, just missing the good times in some sense.
I feel like I'm making this all much more complicated than it is, life doesn't have to be a Skins episode.
[I'm hoping Mountain Man feature on Feists album, I'm trying to listen out for tell tail harmonies]
The Point.
Basically, I've been speaking with my councillor about taking medication, this medication was meant to ease anxious thoughts or feelings I have experienced frequently but in the past. I'm not taking any at the moment, it's something I've always been really against. I genuinely do not know how to handle the mess I appear to myself to be.
I have zero motivation for anything to do with uni - even my sensible head has totally left me here, like it's not here to say what the shit are you doing, you should be getting on with things, it pops by once a week maybe, this really isn't enough. So I'm at this point where it would be really silly to end uni, as all my fees are paid and I have no time left at all, I think I'm genuinely at risk of failing if my views don't change soon, but there is so little in me that wants to continue that this is the point I come round to questioning the use of medication.
As I said before the medication I'd chatted about with my councillor and doctor is meant to ease anxiety, but my anxiety has shifted, hopefully I've stopped caring about it, that usually does the trick. So the only drugs I could take now would just have to be a different person drug. The main reason I'm worried is because not being interested in uni work is making the other things I'm interested in seem less interesting - would this be solved if I finished uni? - Something I wouldn't know unless I took a risk.
One other massive thing/flaw in my equation is that I take so long to work things out for myself in this sense, so whenever, if ever, I were to figure out what I should do, it'd be too late, uni would be over and I would have to resit the year to pass with a BA hons.
bla bla bla bla......
I think it will be really strange, when I'm quite a bit older and I look back on this time in my life.
I'm totally knackered so I'll blog on another day, if I die on the way, just know I'm happy I was alive today.
I'm totally knackered so I'll blog on another day, if I die on the way, just know I'm happy I was alive today.
Reflection
The rain is falling down now
Its the one you've waited for
The one, to make you feel like your still here, anymore.
And when, it comes to pass you will fall, to, the floor.
Is it any wonder why you try, so hard, to be
What everybody else, wants, you to be.
You sit, staring, at yourself in the mirror for hours
Waiting, for something brilliant to happen
And when, when it does, you will be old
You'll be old you'll be grey, you'll be, just like
dust.
And when you fade, you'll fade away.
Its the one you've waited for
The one, to make you feel like your still here, anymore.
And when, it comes to pass you will fall, to, the floor.
Is it any wonder why you try, so hard, to be
What everybody else, wants, you to be.
You sit, staring, at yourself in the mirror for hours
Waiting, for something brilliant to happen
And when, when it does, you will be old
You'll be old you'll be grey, you'll be, just like
dust.
And when you fade, you'll fade away.
What the wool gave me (sorry Florence)
I watched some nice, inspiring short films today, and I mean short, so like a trailer, and an intro to an art project that I was unaware of. It's the first useful thing I've done on my laptop this week that I can remember. The over consumption of social networks has left me bored with their fascination, I'm finding the good stuff now - it's not that I don't care what my friends are up to, I do, it's that I'd rather just speak to them.
I heard something the other day, maybe on the radio (sorry I cant pin down the location), it was something like 'everytime your texting your not learning' because your sending information out.
This has stuck in my mind for a while, and things seem to be making links, for example, you read an article and one element takes your interest, then things in life related to it keep popping up, like an exhibition, the narrative of a film. Is this making sense..?
So anyway, I'm typing right this instance, but, I'm am learning, because I'm thinking about, what I'm thinking about, building up a 'spiral of information'/knowledge (referring to something in Zen And The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance - I totally can't find the page but its somewhere before p137 if your interested).
It's put some confidence in me that I can find a narrative that means something to me, that can be explained in my 'applied art', because at the moment I just seem to be plodding along making thing that look appealing, that I don't feel have any real substance. I need to take my self back (again) through previous projects, and make the links between my work and my life - (that's the most enjoyable element, if maybe to some people a little self loathing), this way I discover things about my self, because basically its all about me.. (ha ha sorry I figured this was looking like massive pile of pretentious, but my thoughts are rolling so I'll continue).
Things from my childhood whether I was fascinated with them or not, defiantly seep into my work, slightly off the normal things, that I find myself having a curious attraction to, sheep's wool, quarry stone, farm machinery/ metal objects.
I realise I've just kinda stopped in the middle of something, but I think that's more than enough info for one ramble, and I have to eat.
But to end, I'm going to put the films up, so I can remind myself of this 'spiral' of stuff when I next pop by.
Woollenline from Pip Woolf on Vimeo.
The second video was a little harder to source, but I think ones enough for now.
I'm not sure I'm in tune with the entirety of it, but it's set some sparks off. I like sparks.
I heard something the other day, maybe on the radio (sorry I cant pin down the location), it was something like 'everytime your texting your not learning' because your sending information out.
This has stuck in my mind for a while, and things seem to be making links, for example, you read an article and one element takes your interest, then things in life related to it keep popping up, like an exhibition, the narrative of a film. Is this making sense..?
So anyway, I'm typing right this instance, but, I'm am learning, because I'm thinking about, what I'm thinking about, building up a 'spiral of information'/knowledge (referring to something in Zen And The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance - I totally can't find the page but its somewhere before p137 if your interested).
It's put some confidence in me that I can find a narrative that means something to me, that can be explained in my 'applied art', because at the moment I just seem to be plodding along making thing that look appealing, that I don't feel have any real substance. I need to take my self back (again) through previous projects, and make the links between my work and my life - (that's the most enjoyable element, if maybe to some people a little self loathing), this way I discover things about my self, because basically its all about me.. (ha ha sorry I figured this was looking like massive pile of pretentious, but my thoughts are rolling so I'll continue).
Things from my childhood whether I was fascinated with them or not, defiantly seep into my work, slightly off the normal things, that I find myself having a curious attraction to, sheep's wool, quarry stone, farm machinery/ metal objects.
I realise I've just kinda stopped in the middle of something, but I think that's more than enough info for one ramble, and I have to eat.
But to end, I'm going to put the films up, so I can remind myself of this 'spiral' of stuff when I next pop by.
Woollenline from Pip Woolf on Vimeo.
The second video was a little harder to source, but I think ones enough for now.
I'm not sure I'm in tune with the entirety of it, but it's set some sparks off. I like sparks.
youthful
You really cant wait for this to end.
You need to make it something worth ending.
But if you're life were ending, then it should be something worth ending.
Theres something great in the future, you can feel it, maybe thats why you're frustrated in the present.
It could very well be a niave prediction like the one your mothers had, when they thought getting married would fill their lives, and after the children had grown up and they'd made enough money they could live like they had wanted to in their twenties.
You feel the hard times ahead, Not feeling ungreatful, for what you have is much more than many.
What you're lacking is the courage to embrace it.
You can be a good writer, You can be a good singer, You can be a good artist, You can make a difference.
It's not a case of cant cook wont cook, You can cook but You wont.
Your dragging your feet, is it because you have given up or because you want to stay behind.
You need to make it something worth ending.
But if you're life were ending, then it should be something worth ending.
Theres something great in the future, you can feel it, maybe thats why you're frustrated in the present.
It could very well be a niave prediction like the one your mothers had, when they thought getting married would fill their lives, and after the children had grown up and they'd made enough money they could live like they had wanted to in their twenties.
You feel the hard times ahead, Not feeling ungreatful, for what you have is much more than many.
What you're lacking is the courage to embrace it.
You can be a good writer, You can be a good singer, You can be a good artist, You can make a difference.
It's not a case of cant cook wont cook, You can cook but You wont.
Your dragging your feet, is it because you have given up or because you want to stay behind.
sunday words
02.56 reads the digital in the corner of my computer screen,
a headache from all the sugar I ate is going to keep me awake.
feel like Ive just spent the night hanging out with a great friend.
so much to worry about but not til morning at least.
differences in time and distance play with the mind
but its just a sign of the times
i feel like a collection of emotions is wrapped in a pva surrounding and its set now...
its really good. the longing has overcome its battle and settled on an island in between countries, where both people are safe.
none of this really makes any sense to me, I'm just happy I have a really great friend.
a headache from all the sugar I ate is going to keep me awake.
feel like Ive just spent the night hanging out with a great friend.
so much to worry about but not til morning at least.
differences in time and distance play with the mind
but its just a sign of the times
i feel like a collection of emotions is wrapped in a pva surrounding and its set now...
its really good. the longing has overcome its battle and settled on an island in between countries, where both people are safe.
none of this really makes any sense to me, I'm just happy I have a really great friend.
we swim
My friend has been here this evening, first she showed me her new song (why do I always like to tell things chronologically), it's not like what she has done before, I described it as a homage to her influences Bon Iver, Stephanie Finegan and others, but its still hers, I shamelessly compared it to the Juno soundtrack, it sounds nothing like Moldy Peaches at all, but it is in the way that it could be played forever on a loop, and would still be catchy- she admitted she could see it in a film, I don't think she's wrong.
We talked for sometime about positive things, our futures, ideas and dreams we hope to make reality (f1). I explained about an awfully embarrassing dream that had been haunting me since I woke up, it seems totally normal now, it even makes sense, I couldn't say it here though I'd get shut down.
So we did some more singing, created a tasty pasta bake accompanied by my mums (in my eyes) famous marrow chutney. So that happened and you know whats really terrible, why I'm distracted from writing this, I'm watching TV- I have a problem, In the space of three weeks I've turned into a image junkie, only the good stuff though.
For the past 3 and a bit hours me and my friend have been working on her new song and also something I wrote last week, it's always really exciting to be doing something new, and it feels even better to be doing something I've written as well. It's felt like I have had a bit of a block since the summer, but I've stopped trying to write masses and have started letting things trickle through when they feel like it.
I haven't done any of what I was meant to do this evening, but it doesn't matter, I feel great like I've just got off a roller coaster - excuse the cheese. It's another sweet memory to go in the bank.
Now, I'm exhausted, totally whacked, my rooms still a mess, my hair needs washing... time to go.
f1. Id describe our friendship as a bit of a balancing act, sometimes when were both balanced we can make the best of friends who are really on the same level about certain things, when were not balanced its easy for one or both of us to slip off the balance table and bump our bums, its like a marriage that needs rows to keep the fun alive, see 'Tidal'.
We talked for sometime about positive things, our futures, ideas and dreams we hope to make reality (f1). I explained about an awfully embarrassing dream that had been haunting me since I woke up, it seems totally normal now, it even makes sense, I couldn't say it here though I'd get shut down.
So we did some more singing, created a tasty pasta bake accompanied by my mums (in my eyes) famous marrow chutney. So that happened and you know whats really terrible, why I'm distracted from writing this, I'm watching TV- I have a problem, In the space of three weeks I've turned into a image junkie, only the good stuff though.
For the past 3 and a bit hours me and my friend have been working on her new song and also something I wrote last week, it's always really exciting to be doing something new, and it feels even better to be doing something I've written as well. It's felt like I have had a bit of a block since the summer, but I've stopped trying to write masses and have started letting things trickle through when they feel like it.
I haven't done any of what I was meant to do this evening, but it doesn't matter, I feel great like I've just got off a roller coaster - excuse the cheese. It's another sweet memory to go in the bank.
Now, I'm exhausted, totally whacked, my rooms still a mess, my hair needs washing... time to go.
f1. Id describe our friendship as a bit of a balancing act, sometimes when were both balanced we can make the best of friends who are really on the same level about certain things, when were not balanced its easy for one or both of us to slip off the balance table and bump our bums, its like a marriage that needs rows to keep the fun alive, see 'Tidal'.
dotdotdot
Its 1am GMT, my housemate is still skype'ing that girl from America, which (no offence intended) makes their conversation seem even more like its happening in my room.
I want to go to sleep, I just don't feel very prepared, not for sleep, but for life.
But life is happening now not tomorrow so I ought'a just get on with it, 'prepared' or not.
goodnight.
I want to go to sleep, I just don't feel very prepared, not for sleep, but for life.
But life is happening now not tomorrow so I ought'a just get on with it, 'prepared' or not.
goodnight.
'something about nothing'
I had the biggest urge to blog when I came downstairs this morning, but it wasn't possible, there was no connection to the net. Why didn't I just write it down?
I'm going to search shelves for a new notebook, this fancy one isn't working.
A holistic approach to creativity is an ideal, but I think i'll try pursuing it.
So whatever was so exciting, it's not going to be told but it happened.
Dreams have been encouraging lately, worth a mention maybe, maybe that's what it was.
Just a dream.
Whales is windy, the whole yookay is so windy.
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