blop

Please in no way take anything I have written as advice, it is not.

I've written this preliminary introduction to this post because I haven't really done so before, I've never really explained anything written here, mainly because it takes too long.
My reason for blogging is to share with others, stimulate my mind and as I say below, for working out how I feel. 

It took me a little while to decide whether or not to post this. 

This blog tends not to have a strict type of content. It is, was it is, and that's... it.

The reason I have chosen to is because, I know that I am not the only one that has difficulty figuring out this thing called life, and all those things that go with it, mental health, relationships... people.

I write down my thoughts here to aid working out how I feel, sometimes this can make me realise things I wasn't aware of in my head. You could liken it to writing out equations on paper (I don't think many people like to write them on the front of their imagination). 

It's quite likely I just made a big fuss about nothing (above), I just thought it nice of me to explain a little and got a wee bit carried away.


I'm sitting on the floor in my attic room, wrapped in covers and a blanket for comfort, drawing what look like the worst toes.

My friend made me two Cd's yesterday, they're lovely, the second I'm listening to now, has two full albums on it I'm told.

Yesterday was brilliant, I made my self a list for today, plenty of mental notes were written too.

I got a new book in the post too, all was well in my world, my friend had shared a beautiful piece of philosophical text which talked about the levels of a river being like life, and ended something like 'you can choose to be a coward and avoid the depths, or you can join in the ride' - don't take my word for it, should probably find the original.

Well this is seeming all is wrong. All is not wrong, just missing the good times in some sense.

I feel like I'm making this all much more complicated than it is, life doesn't have to be a Skins episode.

[I'm hoping Mountain Man feature on Feists album, I'm trying to listen out for tell tail harmonies]

The Point.
Basically, I've been speaking with my councillor about taking medication, this medication was meant to ease anxious thoughts or feelings I have experienced frequently but in the past. I'm not taking any at the moment, it's something I've always been really against. I genuinely do not know how to handle the mess I appear to myself to be.

I have zero motivation for anything to do with uni - even my sensible head has totally left me here, like it's not here to say what the shit are you doing, you should be getting on with things, it pops by once a week maybe, this really isn't enough. So I'm at this point where it would be really silly to end uni, as all my fees are paid and I have no time left at all, I think I'm genuinely at risk of failing if my views don't change soon, but there is so little in me that wants to continue that this is the point I come round to questioning the use of medication.

As I said before the medication I'd chatted about with my councillor and doctor is meant to ease anxiety, but my anxiety has shifted, hopefully I've stopped caring about it, that usually does the trick. So the only drugs I could take now would just have to be a different person drug. The main reason I'm worried is because not being interested in uni work is making the other things I'm interested in seem less interesting - would this be solved if I finished uni? - Something I wouldn't know unless I took a risk.

One other massive thing/flaw in my equation is that I take so long to work things out for myself in this sense, so whenever, if ever, I were to figure out what I should do, it'd be too late, uni would be over and I would have to resit the year to pass with a BA hons.