I feel the need for honesty always

I sit, at ten to two in the afternoon in last nights sleeping clothes, consisting of many layers including a hand me down jumper that I can only assume was my uncles, It reads 'USA', something I would never invest in personally, but the notion that it may have belonged to him holds a thread of connection.

Impermanence is a massive 'thing', always floating around my brain, I seem to be very aware of it at the moment. It scrapes at the surface, and I scrape at it's surface, asking questions of the future and the past. Me and my mother visited her parents, and my grandparents grave the other day to place some sweet pea flowers on their headstone.

I wont go into too much detail as these are merely thoughts I want to exude and not ponder on for too long. My mum lost her sister, we lost our aunty, last April, she was caught and taken by a disease. For a long time I couldn't believe it, or accept it, and if I'm honest, I know there are parts of me that still think she is alive.

For as long as I can remember, me and my mum, and my brother and sister when they were younger, all trouped over to her and my uncles and cousins house a lot in the holidays, these small trips provided love, excitement, adventure, and kitchen chat. Now that it is summer, I get regular instantaneous thought's, I have had to restrain myself many times from asking my mother, 'when do you want to go over to Aunty L's?' This chokes at the best of times.

The power of impermanence and the permanence of loss seem very hard to understand. Grief feels strange, dark but sometimes can be an enlightening thing. There will always be things around to remind of the nakedness of truth, but if you keep your eyes open you can see these people in the prettiest of places, they appear when least expected, and sometimes when you need reassurance of existence the most.

Their presence will forever be permanent in the people they love and know.